Hello! Bonjour! Hola! Guten Tag! Hej! Hei! C’kemi!
……etc.
Right. I ken that most people consider Eurovision to be rediculous. And they would be correct. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s amazing.
True, the songs arn’t great. Yes, the costumes are tacky. Undeniably, the audience are predominantly gay. But why does everything have to be great, tack-free and heterosexual? That’s the definition of boring.
Every year I plan a Eurovision party and every year I end up watching it alone, trying to learn the words to the Albanian entry.
Why?
Because no one is any fun anymore. You all suck. You know what you all need? A little Eurovision! You need an injection of tanned, beautiful men singing lovingly to the camera and statue-esque women with enviously shiney hair belting out power ballads. Go on! Soak up the excessive use of pyrotechnics and strobe lighting. Drink in the inevitable “null points” from every bullied european country who have finally been given the chance to show the United Kingdom who’s really boss.
But you won’t. Because you all suck. So next year i’m going to Sweden. I’m going to find an adorable Norwegian to marry and we’ll FINALLY work out exactly where Estonia is.
And it’ll be great. AND tacky. And, of course, it’ll be really, really gay.
